i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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