So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
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I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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