I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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