somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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