There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
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