last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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