you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You need a sexual gate keeper
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
