If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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