If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."