i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...