A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
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If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
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Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it