If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
