how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
