I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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