Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My vagina is officially offended.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
