The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins