I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies