I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.