He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
