I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
