If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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