please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
