my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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