You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
