He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
