i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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