The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
