Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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