If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
