My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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