My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
