This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
