went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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