And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
