I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
