I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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