so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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