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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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