I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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