You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
