she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
