During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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