Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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