NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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