How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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