Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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