I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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