i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
