12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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