The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
