Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
