Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
