I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.