Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.