didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
ok i will unlock the door
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.