If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
