Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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