How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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