I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
