I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
