Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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