I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
