Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
